Fran Lebowitz

"You're only as good as your last haircut."

Norman Douglas

"Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it."

Garry Shandling

"I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it."

Gerald R. Ford

"I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators."

Thomas A. Edison

"The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around."

Robert Wilson Lynd

"Most human beings are quite likeable if you do not see too much of them."

H. L. Mencken

"Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage."

Amy Sedaris

"My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper."

Tallulah Bankhead

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."